We will soon be marking four months since we lost
our Jimmy Carroll. It feels like four years, instead.
our Jimmy Carroll. It feels like four years, instead.
I live, currently, in suspended animation.
I sleep, I wake, I eat—daily activities detached from feelings,
like a wind-up doll, going through the motions.
I sleep, I wake, I eat—daily activities detached from feelings,
like a wind-up doll, going through the motions.
Life unfolds, but with no sign posts, no deadlines, no benchmarks.
There’s just...time. Time to fill.
Time that stretches on. Time that drags.
Time that creeps by so slowly that clocks and calendars
seem unnecessary.
Time that stretches on. Time that drags.
Time that creeps by so slowly that clocks and calendars
seem unnecessary.
Our home is permeated with Jimmy’s presence,
but marked by his absence. It is a disorienting dichotomy.
but marked by his absence. It is a disorienting dichotomy.
I say that I lost him. I cannot bring myself to say that he d**d.
I’m not sure why. I just know that I can’t. I don’t.
I’m not sure why. I just know that I can’t. I don’t.
Perhaps it’s because things that are lost, can often be found,
as if there’s a subconscious glimmer of hope that he can be reclaimed, that he won’t be gone forever.
as if there’s a subconscious glimmer of hope that he can be reclaimed, that he won’t be gone forever.
Or, perhaps, it’s because his loss is so monumental, so sweeping,
so all encompassing—that it so envelops everything—that no other word will do.
so all encompassing—that it so envelops everything—that no other word will do.
I have pondered why, but cannot identify, yet,
the reasoning for the word “loss,” I just know that it is
the reasoning for the word “loss,” I just know that it is
the only word I use.
My days are uniformly colored by Jimmy’s loss, but they vary, widely, in how his loss manifests.
My feelings and emotions run the gamut.
My feelings and emotions run the gamut.
Sometimes, memories make me weep, but, at other times,
they make me smile.
Sometimes, pictures break my heart, but, at other times,
they soothe my soul.
I am gratefully discovering, with each new day, that grief
and peace can, and do, coexist—that it is possible to be afraid
and peace can, and do, coexist—that it is possible to be afraid
and brave at the same time.
So, there is, within me now, a resolve, not to hide from the pain, but to lean into it, having learned that, “When you are sorrowful…you shall see, that in truth, you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
Khalil Gibran
Khalil Gibran
To delight in another is to receive from the One Who is our ultimate delight. We delighted in our Christ, and we delighted in
each other. Words fail—no vocabulary exists—that could ever adequately convey just how much.
each other. Words fail—no vocabulary exists—that could ever adequately convey just how much.
I said, a few years ago, while teaching, “We risk the possibility
of pain, for the privilege of love.”
of pain, for the privilege of love.”
Pain is a byproduct of love. It just is. It is an unavoidable truth.
The depth of my pain corresponds to the depth of my love.
Our love was an abyss, therefore, my pain is bottomless.
The depth of my pain corresponds to the depth of my love.
Our love was an abyss, therefore, my pain is bottomless.
The pain can never overshadow, however, the privilege
that was mine to love Jimmy Carroll.
Even if I had known, in the beginning, that I would lose him,
I wouldn’t have changed a thing.
I would have signed up for it again and again, if it meant
I got to be his girl.
It was a privilege, indeed.
The brevity of life, though easy to ignore, demands that we pay attention. It requires us to notice, to redeem the time, to not squander it, through carelessness, indifference, or ambivalence.
Jimmy’s life was heartbreakingly brief, but, although his time was short, I pray it will forever be marked, not by its duration, but by its content.
Our sweet Jimmy Carroll knew who he was, Whose he was,
and why he was here, and he didn’t waste a moment.
and why he was here, and he didn’t waste a moment.
He lived on mission, determined and undeterred,
even when difficulty entered our lives.
Austin and I resolve to do the same.
We have concluded that the best way to honor Jimmy, is to live
a Christ-like, other oriented, purposeful life, just as Jimmy did.
We have concluded that the best way to honor Jimmy, is to live
a Christ-like, other oriented, purposeful life, just as Jimmy did.
We will never move on. We don’t want to. We couldn’t if we tried.
But we will move forward. We will celebrate Jimmy’s life, advance his vision, and continue the legacy he began.
Now, it is up to us. The journey is not over. It is only beginning.
We can’t wait to share what’s next.
We can’t wait to share what’s next.
“One life, wholly devoted to God, is of more value than one hundred simply awakened by His Spirit.”
Oswald Chambers
Oswald Chambers
That was our Jimmy Carroll.
Now, may we go and do likewise.
Now, may we go and do likewise.